Yeah, it HAS been a while…and for good reason.
As one can see from the title – I have been going through a “Dark Night Of The Soul”.
For those who may be unfamiliar with the phrase, a Dark Night Of The Soul is used mainly to describe when one is in a situation where they are reflecting most deeply on themselves, facing their shadows/darkness/fears/ego and traveling within to see who they truly are, so that when they emerge from the dark into the light – they have a better understanding of who and what they are.
One becomes more their “True Self” as it were.
Or in more simpler terms – they are facing themselves in their darkest moments and have to battle with that so that they can emerge into the light as a better person.
Dark Nights Of The Soul are NEVER easy.
They are hard and challenging.
They literally tear you apart…
And put you back together.
They make you face parts of yourself that you wish you did not have to face.
They can take time to allow change to happen.
Dark Nights Of The Soul are a time for reflection.
Dark Nights Of The Soul force you to face you who truly are.
Dark Nights Of The Soul…are HEALING.
Dark Nights Of The Soul are a constant challenge to anyone on a spiritual path…as a spiritual path is the way to connect to your own higher “True Self” and are constant tests for us to improve ourselves as well as heal from any past hurts and fears or to battle with our earth-based ego to reach an enlightened truth.
For me, personally, it has been hard these past few months.
It has been quite a Descent Into The Underworld, for me.
Like Persephone in the famous legend of Her decent to the Underworld when kidnapped by Hades, I too am being dragged down into the unknown and the dark, frightened like a child and uninitiated.
And like Persephone afterward, She gains the knowledge of death and powerful mysteries and so returns as a woman, initiated in the secrets and becomes Queen of the Underworld.
But the Underworld and Hades does not let his Queen go easily. Hades tricks Persephone into eating seeds of the pomegranate so that She becomes a part of the Underworld and so has to remain there for a certain length of the year (which is usually the winter months).
But for me, it has been like that, in some ways.
I have been trying to get to grips with myself and climb back out of the dark…but as soon as I do, I just get dragged back down again. Constant questions spiral in my head to my worthiness of serving Goddess, myself as a human being, questioning my beliefs about everything from the physical realm, love and spiritual to trivial matters that may not be a big deal to another, but are to me.
I have also lost a lot of energy and enthusiasm for doing anything…I have been like a robot: get up, do some housework, go on the PC, go to work, cook diner, bed.
My energy has been to the point where I would just lie in bed for most of the day and just either think nothing or think of everything at once at 100mph.
I am sure that some of you can relate – depression and mental illness, no matter where they are on the scale, are not easy to deal with and are certainly not fun.
They are tough and difficult to fight, especially if one thinks that they are alone and not worthy of any kind of support.
Thankfully, I am not alone – I have my family, my spiritual family, friends and my life partner Chris to help and support me. But it has been hard on them – they all worry like crazy when they can see or sense that I am not who I am truly.
As one friend said “You’ve lost you spark…” and she was right.
I did lose my spark and now I am in the process of trying to rediscover it.
The most hard part of dealing with a Dark Night Of The Soul for me personally was the question of worthiness and acceptance.
Sounds strange huh?
From meeting me for the first time, you’d probably say that I am a confident, enthusiastic, bright, deserving person who has every right to be worthy of serving Goddess.
Since a few years ago, (which will be another blog post for another time) I had never had any problems with worthiness and acceptance of who I am and of what lights me up and makes me happy. But until about 5 years ago, due to a certain year being really bad for me (OK, you twisted my arm…it was 2013, but as I said, that is another blog for another time), that year made me question my worthiness of being ME and I went through severe depression because of it. I honestly thought that I had dealt with it back then. Now it has come back to haunt me, in a newer form.
It has also stemmed from wanting to people-please and seek acceptance – confirmation of my own abilities that have awakened over the past 2 years.
I constantly worry about my medium-ship and physic abilities – am I really seeing what I am sensing or am I making it all up?
I don’t want to be a liar or give people a false hope about things I see or feel. I don’t want to lead people on…I want to help them with my abilities and serve the Goddess, but (and I think that this is a typical Sagittarius trait) I also constantly need assurance and confirmation about what I am doing. I need a teacher or supporter to constantly keep saying, “Yes, you are doing good…you are helping and healing…you are seeing/feeling what you see/feel…you are not fake…”
And at the same time, I have had a hard time in trusting myself and trusting in Goddess and spirit. Like many typical Sagittarius, I always need to be in control or retain some kind of control – I do not like letting go.
That has been the most hardest lesson to try and learn during the Dark Night Of The Soul.
I have not cut myself off from my spirituality, I still have faith and I have still been going to ritual and such, but I have kept my distance, trying to figure myself out.
It hasn’t been easy.
But slowly, I think I am beginning to understand about myself more in little ways: for example, when I feel down, I can get artistic/creative and that makes me feel a little happy – and I am also slowly rediscover my passion for Goddess, although I still have bigger battles to fight, such as the feelings of self-esteem and worthiness and having to trust and let go completely…I know that the Dark Night Of The Soul is not over.
I know, deep down, that this is going to take some time to play out…the Underworld has not yet let me go…it’s simple not my time to return to the light…yet.
But when I do, I know that I will have gone through change in a most wonderful, maybe even in a painful way…but alas, transformation is never easy nor totally pain free. One must learn harsh truths and face them. Only then can you open the door. Only then can one shine their True Self brightly and balance it with the dark.
I think that is all that I can discuss for the time being now. There will probably be a follow up later – I am still in the Dark Night Of The Soul.
Persephone is calling me. And I must answer the Goddess call.
Brightest Blessings to you all.